The day I got braces was one of the worst days of my life. All the new contraptions in my mouth left my tongue with nowhere to go, in the aftermath I wondered if I would ever be comfortable again. In the days coming, I got used to it. I never enjoyed it, but even though they change the Rube Goldberg machine in your mouth every few weeks, I eventually adapted. Thank heavens I did, as my braces era would’ve been the worst two and half years of my life if not. Now that the experience is long behind me, all I’m left with is a better-aligned jaw, a retainer glued into my mouth, a retainer to wear in bed (except for when the dog chews it up), and one burning question. Why did the orthodontist always offer me a cookie on the way out?

For the lucky people that haven’t had to endure getting braces at an orthodontist, dentists are notorious for the same issue. They do science experiments on your mouth for 20 minutes, tell you that you won’t be able to feel your mouth for a bit or that your jaw will hurt like hell for a few days, and then offer you free snacks on the way out. It’s infuriating. After some appointments, they even give you a stern lecture about not eating for 15 minutes so the fillings can finish filling or something to that effect. They offer you free food that you aren’t supposed to eat!

Let’s go through a typical dentist/orthodontist office adventure. Most humans brush their teeth before leaving the house because nobody wants to get in the chair and be judged about having food in their teeth. Then when you are hanging out in the waiting room you can’t eat the complimentary food, as you’ve just brushed your teeth and don’t want to have to do it again or risk looking bad in front of the doctor. Then the expert does their best Victor Frankenstein impersonation on you for a hopefully short length of time. Then they lecture you about how you inevitably have to do better somehow and send you back out to pay and reschedule while offering snacks. For one, they often tell you not to eat after the appointment, meaning you can’t eat the snacks even if you wanted. In addition, you’ve just been reamed about your bad eating habits in all likelihood, and eating the unhealthy snacks is admitting the dentist/orthodontist was right about their evaluation, so you basically have to avoid the temptation. Then you reschedule your next appointment, but it feels weird to pilfer a snack on the way out so you go home hungry, the free food untouched.

Not everyone’s visits go the same, but I’m willing to bet this is the case for the bulk of patients. I went to the orthodontist every two weeks for the longest time and the plate of cookies was always full, if that’s not empirical evidence I’m not sure what is. Why nobody working at the offices understands this is an enigma. I know they have much more important things to think about, like not irreparably damaging my jaw, but still.

I would be lying if I said this issue is one of humanity’s greatest problems, but that doesn’t make this real predicament any less valid. However, I would like to argue that this constant conundrum has a not-zero impact on the mental health of all the patients. Seeing a free cookie that I can’t eat does have an effect on me, as does the insinuation that I don’t have the self-control to retrain myself even after a doctor lectures me on why I shouldn’t eat it. Please, dentist and orthodontist offices across the world, drop the veneer of hospitality — please stop offering me snacks that I can’t eat.